Friday, July 6, 2007

Surviving the Trauma of Being Cheated On

Finally, I decided to break my silence regarding this topic and share to the world what I think about this.

Ok, here goes. I'm going to try my very best to maintain my composure here.

It was a devastating week last week. I found out that 2 married couples that I know, broke up because the husbands cheated on their respective wives. One of them had been married for a couple of years with a kid, the other one got married a few months ago. With these couples undergoing marital trouble, to date I would say that I already lost count of couples I personally know myself whom the husbands cheated on their wives - yeah, that's a lot!

Am I allowed to scream??? Arggggghhhhhh!!!

Ok sweetie, breathe deep and think concise ("Wuuuusaaaa, wuuuuusaaaaa --> thinking of Bad Boys II for those who are not familiar with this expression)

I am writing this because I myself was a "victim" of a cheater. I refuse to use the "victim" word but for clarity's sake, I'll take it for now. I wanted to share my story to all the women in this world who at some point or another shared the same or similar experience as I did. Some gals are strong, smart and levelheaded, continued and moved on with their lives just like moi. Some other gals chose to wallow and drown themselves down with self-pity, contented on living in the past (how sad...)

All these happened to me back in 2002. Thank goodness I wasn't married then, but I got cheated on AFTER I got engaged and I found out about the whole deal a day before we made a downpayment for the church. Close call huh? I'm still lucky though. I must admit at that time I thought my world have ended and I was crushed into pieces. Of all the girls naman, why her??? I just didn't get it (can i post a picture here? hahaaha!)

Well, I should have been a lot smarter than that because my ex already cheated on me once (same girl). Btw, I know the girl myself since she's supposed to be a common friend. The first time she came here to the states for a business trip, I was the one who toured her around the bay area, drove her around to see places. Plus I even asked her to bring a gift I got for my ex when she went back to the Philippines. How nice, huh? She was also known for messing with a married guy at the office back then. I know it because my ex told me when they were just "friends" and she opened up to him about those kinda stuff. Tsk tsk tsk.

Anyhoo, I broke up with him the first time it happened and he begged me to take him back, blah blah blah. I used to have this thinking that everybody deserves a second chance so we gave our relationship another try. I didn't even expect he'd propose to me but he did. So that time I thought we're going somewhere and that he was really serious.

So I was into the wedding preps and all being the super excited bride-to-be. Even if I was here in the states, I've attended bridal fairs, subscribed to BRIDES magazine etc etc etc. While my then supposed to be fiance in the Philippines was busy scr*wing some b-i-a-t-c-h behind my back (excuse my french here).

I've done a lot of stupid things in life but this one is right at the tops. This makes me laugh at myself whenever I think of it or sometimes it makes me want to bang my head on the wall over and over again for being so stupidly naive. Haha.

Ready for some quirks? Ok, so after I found out that he was cheating on me, I thought maybe the easiest way to deal with all the hurt was to just to forget what had happened and just start all over again kinda thing. I even asked him to go hangout with me before I leave the country. He agreed. I even brought with me all the cards he gave me so I could show him that he used to promise me this and that, yaddiyaddiyaddayadda. We were having lunch when I was showing the "proofs" and I remembered I started crying all throughout. I even told him I'm going to love him for the rest of my life!!! Apparently I didn't know what I was talking about, haha! To top it all off, I even remembered I talked to the girl and told her to take care of him. O my goodness, how pathetic was that???? Hahah! Sorry, I'm really cracking up here while I'm writing this, haha! What was I thinking, I dont even feel a thing anymore. I can barely remember how the guy looked like. I'm totally serious!!!!! And no, I didn't return the engagement ring. Let's just say I was a few $$$ richer because of it. Hahah.

Ok to cut the story short, one day I decided that I didn't deserve all these crap. I didn't want a guy who cheats on me why even bother waste my time wallowing about it??? That alone tells me so much about a person's character, right? What kind of a guy who didnt have the guts to tell the girl that things are not working anymore with them? Why not just tell her directly instead of resorting to cheating? Oh I know the answer to that, pick me, pick me!!! - UHMMMM... THE KIND OF A GUY THAT DIDN'T HAVE BALLS????

Haha. Exactly.

Now tell me what kinda girl who has a decent self esteem and self respect would want someone like that for their guy? Get the picture? Yehuh!!!!

Hey, I'm a good girl, of course I deserve nothing less than a quality guy! I have better things to do in life than be sorry and be sad about how things turned out. Well, yeah I am really really sorry... sorry for his loss, dummy!!! Haheeeheee!!

I kept my mouth shut for so long I just have to say one more thing for these guys. Why even propose, or worse, marry the girl when you're not that serious about having your girl for keeps? Why go through the brouhaha of the whole mess? I mean how hard could it be to just end the relationship if you didn't think it's not going anywhere? If you think you didn't want to hurt the girl blah blah blah, did it ever occur to you that you're hurting her anyways by cheating on her? Sooner or later she's going to find out and the situation's going to get really ugly. Soooo gay!

I personally think only a man of iron clad character has the guts to do this - breakup with the girl as soon as he knows it's not working, without having a 3rd party. For the life of me, I've only known 3 guys who were able to do this and they have all my respect for doing so. I still look up to these guys because I know this is something a lot of guys choose not to do.

Ok, it takes 2 to tango so let's talk about the other woman here.

The way I look at it, there are only 4 types of women in this world who didn't have some conscience to do this:
1) Those who went through destructive relationships in the past, clearly with emotional baggage & decided to join the "let's mess with other people's lives" bandwagon.

2) Those who have super low self-esteem whether they realize it or not. They didn't think they can find another guy who is theirs and theirs alone. They're contented being "the girl who ruined somebody else's relationship".

3) Those who are really ugly no guy in their right mind would even take a 2nd look.

4) All of the above.

Qustion: So what kind of a guy who gets attracted with these kinda girls?
Answer: L-O-S-E-R!


Whatever their past were, bottomline is, these girls didn't care at all about the guy's wife (and the kids if they have any) or the girlfriend. They'd do whatever it takes to lure the guy they're after for. They didn't care if they hurt the other party. All they care about is themselves. In fact, they must have felt good that the guy left the wife/gf because of them. How pitiful. Maybe these girls needed that kind of external affirmation to feel good about themselves. I wouldn't be surprised that sooner or later, the guy would also cheat on them for another girl once the guy realizes that she's not all the girl he thought he'd wanted, oooopppssiee!

Some of them actually might end up marrying the cheater (those who have not been married before). I'm pretty sure these girls are now super insecure with their husbands because they already know that the he is capable of cheating so the likelihood of him doing it again is not too difficult to foresee. It's not going to be a marriage made in heaven anyhow. On the otherhand, if they are thinking that the husband is not going to cheat and it's not going to happen to them, hah, then these proves another theory of mine - THESE GIRLS ARE JUST PLAIN STUPID! What goes around comes around, so what else is there to say?

You might also find these girls justifying their mess with this popular line, "It just happened, we just fell in love". Heeeelllloooo??? Duuuhhh??? I'm also a girl, I know what are my limitations so just cut the crap and be real, ok? Things like these didn't happen in an instant. It's a result of a progressive, maybe "casual" get together of some sort. But both parties definitely know something's going on and if they choose to end it at the very beginning, they could have done so.

The truth is, these philandering guys and back stabbing girls CHOSE to cheat. Period. At some point, they had an option to just end the "budding" relationship and just go on with their lives. However, they did not. They continued with the affair until such point when it's super hard to let go.

To the girls who got cheated on, don't despair sisters. There's life after the "turmoil". It's hard in the beginning but it wouldn't kill you, trust me. What cannot kill you could only make you stronger and wiser. Maybe it's a lot more difficult for those who were married and had kids. It is unfair alright, who says life is fair? If you think you cannot trust your husband anymore after he cheated, what's the point of sticking with him, right? You're not going to be at peace, you're always going to doubt your husband. Relationships are based on trust and if that trust was shattered, then tell me what other options do you have?

Have a little respect to yourself, you don't deserve to be treated this way. Be a fighter, be a survivor. You don't want to live the rest of your life being a doormat, do you? There will come a time when you'd just laugh at yourself for wasting your time being miserable crying over a jerk. But yeah, hang in there and take one day at a time. Before your know it, you're back up on track and have bloomed to become a better you. In due time, you'd be thankful all these happened. There is some good that would come out of all these.

I am a living proof that good girls deserve nothing less than a good guy. I've been happily married to a wonderful guy for a little over 2 years now. Before I met him, I never thought I could trust another guy ever again. I've been super choosy and cautious with the little "signals" that tell me much about the character of a guy. Getting married was far from my mind since I was happy and contented being single until I met my husband.

Being married to my husband made me realize that God must have loved me so much that He made a way to keep me away from someone He knows I'm not going to be happy with. I must have done something good for being so blessed.

There is hope after being cheated on. Lick your wounds, keep your chin up and face the world with positive hopes. Most importantly, love yourself. You know in your heart you deserve better so don't compromise. The most important decision in life a girl would ever make is choosing the right guy to spend the rest of her life with. Be smart about it and choose wisely.

I am not an expert on this but I want to share my own experience hoping I could help shed some hope to gals who are struggling to move on. I have some dearest friends who went through these desctructive relationships and it hurts so much to see them so miserable. I thought they'd deserve someone much much better. I'm so against divorce but in cases where only one party would want to save the relationship, then what's the point? The sanctity of marriage had already been breached anyways when the husband cheated, so what's up with "saving the marriage that was bonded by God"? If you think you've done what it takes to keep the relationship going and still your husband kept on hurting you emotionally, then I think God would understand. Again, that's just my perogative.

Below is a very enlightening article from one of my favorite journalist & counselor -Bob Garon. I used to read this over and over again. I hope this would inspire girls or guys out there who can relate to this experience.

The pain of betrayal

There are few experiences that are more heart wrenching than betrayal. Few sufferings are more intense than the betrayal of trust, betrayal of the heart.

When the one you have loved with all your heart betrays you, the emotional agony is difficult to describe. One almost has to live it to understand it. Words are hard to find to describe the pain one feels when the person you have trusted stabs you in the back.

Countries have been known to execute those who betray them and their national interests. Lovers have done likewise when their emotional suffering has been carried to the extreme.

There is little patience shown to the betrayer, little understanding for the one who has abused trust and confidence. Executives get fired on the spot. Highly placed persons are quickly replaced when found to have betrayed their position.

Perhaps the reason for the swift and uncompromising responses to the betrayer is the nature of betrayal. There is always the element of deception. Deception by one trusted and held in some esteem.

The husband who is unfaithful is seen as a betrayer because of the pretense that he employs to work against his spouse. He is despised because he abuses the trust and confidence given him. It’s like having a family member pick your pocket. You don’t expect it from one who is so loved. You are shocked as the trust you have given the beloved is turned against you. You find it difficult to believe that what you have given so freely and with so much conviction is now used to inflict pain on you.

Betrayal hurts so much because it is so insulting. Whenever you are betrayed you are made to look stupid. You are seen to have made a huge mistake by trusting one you were sure was a friend, but who wasn’t.

How could you have been so wrong? How could you have misjudged a person so badly? You look like a dummy. You feel embarrassed and humiliated. But mostly, you know you were manipulated and lied to. You were taken advantage of by someone you were sure of, only to learn the very hard way that you were wrong, so stupidly wrong.

You’re angry. So very angry that you want to lash out at your betrayer and punish him for the pain and the humiliation you have suffered. Sometimes you can and you do it. Often, you cannot, and this feeling of helplessness only makes you even more angry and your desire for revenge only more intense.

This is the time when you will need to rise above these intense feelings of hurt and move on with your life. Wounded and bleeding emotionally, you cannot remain a prisoner of these negative feelings because they can only make your life more miserable than ever.

You need to lick your wounds and pick yourself up. As you walk forward, you will be a lot wiser and more careful about whom to trust, but you will survive. And at the end of the day, that is all that truly matters


aslee nino said...

very well said, bravo :)

~currant7 said...

This totally follows the rule of "letting go" and "keeping one's sanity" in my books. :)
Thanks for sharing this to the world. :D

(fellow W@W)

Bernskie said...

hi there aslee, cheryl! thanks for dropping by sisters. i got carried away, i was not even thinking when i wrote it so it's really from the heart :o)

tc always & God bless!

Karen said...

Galing :) My thoughts, exactly. Only you wrote it so much better hehe!

(w@wie sis)


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